Posted By: John Black
Let's face it, my beautiful little snowflakes, as much as we all like to pretend we have our proverbial “shit” together, we're all pretty much faking our way through it one seemingly horrible depressing failure at a time. Here is a list of some basic suggestive “life hacks” that may seem a little bit more realistic for some of you.
1 – Use a paperclip to fix your headphones. Straighten one side of a paperclip out so that you can fit it (with room to spare) inside the headphone jack of your smart phone. Wrap that straightened side with tape, sticky side out. Use it to clean the lint out of there whenever one side of your earbuds goes out. This usually solves the problem and saves you from spending $55 on new headphones. Those pesky things are always breaking. True story! This works.
2 - Take all of your used wine corks and save them in a vase or fish bowl. After a few months, you’ll have a nice decorative piece for your kitchen doubling as a near constant reminder that you may be a functioning alcoholic. Possibly bordering the thin line of being a non-functioning one and on the brink of losing control of your whole life. This usually helps give you some self-improvement goals to strive towards. Keep pushing forward to escape from the train wreck that you are.
3 - Take a nice hot shower when you’re feeling sick. Use this time to focus on a meaningless embarrassing event from your past. It could be as far back as the 3rd grade, when Bobby Turner made you pee your pants in front of the whole gym class, or as recent as this afternoon when Karen, the attractive secretary was clearly flirting with you and all you could muster out was trivial and nervous commentary about the weather today (you dumbass). Develop a new mantra to repeat to yourself. Pound the tiled walls of your shower while shouting the mantra: “You’re so stupid! You’re so stupid and worthless!” Rinse off and make yourself a Hot Toddy.
4 – Address your local issues. Take a whole shit ton of nails and lay them across the divide where that little punk kid comes ripping through the neighborhood on his 4-wheeler and pulls wheelies at all hours of the evening on a weeknight. Crouch in the bushes and wait with sick, sadistic anticipation for him to ride past so you can watch him unknowingly rip his tires to shreds, kind of like a good metaphor for your life. Cackle and squeal like a deranged lunatic when it finally happens like the miserable old prick that you’ve become. Run and get inside your house before the cops come (you raving psycho).
5 - Take a few solid minutes every night to assess the last decade of your life. Ask yourself if you’re any better off than you were back then. A nice addition to this is to look on Facebook for the now limited unfriended public profile view of your ex from six years ago. Notice how they’ve married someone who makes a lot more money than you do. Carry this mentality with you into the morning when you show up to your monotonous, boring and horribly underpaying job and let this thought fester as you use every ounce of your strength to not cry over the fact that this is what you’ve become, despite your dreams of pursuing musical theater. Once at your desk, clip a binder clip to the side and use the wire portion to hold up your phone charger and other various cables.
6 - Take a brisk, passionate, determined stroll. Walk down the hall to your boss’ office and prepare to unleash a torrent of obscenities on him about his blatant ignorance and incompetence to perform even the simplest functions of his job description. Come on, you’ve been working on this speech for months! You’ve got this down pat word for word, with hand gestures to boot! Stop and stand directly outside the closed door with your hand just inches from touching the doorknob, breathing heavily like a caged animal. Remember that you need this job in order to survive, don’t you, you goddamn coward? Chicken out and walk back to your desk. Fantasize about a life that doesn't closely resemble Hell, maybe somewhere on a beach with an attractive blonde companion. Hang onto that until Jerry in marketing walks up and rips you kicking and screaming like an irate toddler back into the vast landscape of incompetence and wasted base salary where you reside to talk about how he completely blew his March Madness bracket after Duke got eliminated. Efficiently manage the rest of your day. Try to feel positive about the binder clip phone charger holder thingy.
7 - Cleanliness is next to Godliness. It seems to be the only thing you have control over anymore. Take a piece of clear tape and use it to clean the dirt and gunk from between the keys of your keyboard. Duck out at 4:45 unnoticed and go to the bar. Just for one or two though. Okay, maybe three.
So there you have it. See!? It's easy! Now go out there and hack your way through your day to day!